Let Us Eat

…Let Them Eat Cake.

Does anyone else have feelings of embarrassment or self-consiousness when eating in front of others?  I do.  If you remember my history you may be able to guess why.  As a young woman, a pre-teen (at a healthy weight, I might add) I began to feel very ashamed of my body, and I associated this shame with being too large and associated that with food.  I developed feelings of shame when it came to eating.  I would often not eat at school, not eat in front of other people, and claim to not be hungry when I was.  I felt that a girl who was fat, ugly, and unattractive, like I believed myself to be, was seen by others as not deserving of food.  I felt as though I should not eat.  I would often go without sustenance for two or three days at a time.  When I did eat, I would do it privately.  In secret.  Where many shameful and bad things are done.  Without witnesses.

Despite the maturity gained since then, and the knowledge and understanding I have about food, eating disorders, health, and the definition of beauty, I still feel most comfortable when I am eating alone or with close family.  I still always deny myself a morsel or a treat with a friend when offered.  I still claim to not be hungry when I am.  I believe I do this simply out of habit, simply because I am choosing to remain safely in my comfort zone.  

I no longer starve myself. (Well, not beyond the understandable I-forgot-to-eat-lunch-because-I-had-such-a-busy-day reasoning)  I no longer feel ashamed when consuming food, nor do I hide to do it.  I do not go hungry for long. I eat meals with my family every single day.

 I eat along with everyone else at social gatherings.  I do those things, but never without a twinge of some remaining insecurity.  Perhaps a mere piece of the ideology that says I am undeserving of nutrition, still lingers in my mind somewhere.

As you know, I got married a couple of weeks ago.  Being a bride brought forward so many of my past feelings of a poor body-image.  Being the center of attention, presenting myself to be seen and photographed (in white no less!) brought back some of those feelings of ugliness and shame of my appearance.  I had a fantastic wedding and reception.  I had fun, but every moment in my head I reminded myself of my own worth, and I pushed away those images of an unattractive woman. 

I feel satisfied and happy to say that I won that round.